My brother is a plumber by trade and often gets gifts from customers. On occasion he is given beer, though this time around he was given his first homebrew as a gift. The customer stated it was not his own, but a friends and it was not very good. I am willing to try any beer once, even if someone else thinks its not very good. Beer tastes are well, a matter of taste and maybe this homebrew would will be a revelation; Something that will inspire me to create something as wonderful as this beer…

Name:  Random Old Guy’s Friends Homebrew

Origin: Homebrew, Calgary

Style: Unknown

Appearance: Whoa. Even pouring this beer I can smell it and its not very pleasant. Anyways on to the appearance. Its carbonated and produces a nice, foamy head. The colour is a dark yellow and for all intents and purposes it looks like a very good pale ale.

Taste: And its downhill from here. Wow. This beer smells bad enough that I am considering just pouring it down the sink right now. Have you ever eaten a lot of really salty food and taken a piss? Remember that strong urine smell? Well if you can imagine that you can imagine what this beer smells like. Except maybe more apples. Where most beers smell of flowers, breads and fruit, this one reeks of granny Smith apples and dog piss.

Okay. First taste. Here I go. Oh good fucking lord. It was all I could do just to swallow it. Fuck-shit-cock! There is nothing beer-like about this. I need to get something to eat with this because all I can taste now is apples and what appears to be a synthetic banana aftertaste reminiscent of banana flavoured starbursts. And something I believe to be urine.

I have never tasted urine before, but I can imagine from it’s odor what it probably tastes like. What I am consuming now could probably sell as a carbonated pee-flavoured drink. Do you think it would be popular with the kids at the clubs?

Okay. Next sip.

Holy fuck me in the face and die. This is just… I can’t do it. I just cannot. This is worse then retched. I don’t think English words can describe this level of terrible. The only thing I can think about when I took the last sip was a hot piss on a hot day. Except I am pissing on apples and its giving me splash back all over my face.

How could you give this to your friend? My brother needs to return to this customer and tell him his ‘friend’ may actually be trying to tell him to fuck off and die. Or maybe this friend actually thinks this is what beer tastes like. Maybe he is sitting in his living room right now drinking his beer, holding back his own vomit while his wife and kid gag on the smell.

I cannot take another taste. Even at an arms length away the odor is making me sick. Straight into the toilet for this one and all the other 5 bottles… Oh god. The smell when I was pouring it out was so bad I had to empty an entire can of Fe-breeze into the bathroom. I don’t even want to salvage the bottles for my own homebrews for fear of contamination. I wrapped them all in a garbage bag and tossed them into the recycling bin.

Mouth Feel: I will be honest with you: I could not take a large enough mouth full to make an accurate judgment.

Final Thoughts (0.0 out of 5):  This really is it. This is the Worst Beer Ever. There was nothing beer like about this homebrew. Even unfermented wort tastes leaps and bounds better then this. With my experience in homebrewing I am starting to get an idea of what each malt, hop and adjunct will add in terms of flavour, body and appearance, but this beer left me wondering what the flying-fuck he even used. Did he drink a lot of apple juice, urinate into a fermenter and pitch dextrose and yeast?

This is the second homebrew outside my own I have sampled and I am still shocked that he gave this to a friend. Did he not sample this first? Fucking Big Bear is a massively better beer then this. This must be a form of infection caused by improper sanitizing. But I guess if you brew you beer in a dirty toilet these kind of “off-flavours” are to be expect.

And he really gave it to his friend. Unreal.